Assertiveness: communication skills

Assertiveness: what does it mean?

Assertiveness (French-language information page) is a social skill that can be developed through specific psychotherapy exercises and practice. People who struggle to be assertive often avoid doing so, and this avoidance maintains the difficulty.

Assertiveness is dynamic, develops through experience and is never acquired once and for all. It is common to find it easier to be assertive in one area of life than in another.

How assertive we feel therefore depends on our surroundings and on whom we are speaking to. Assertiveness is closely connected with emotions, attachment and the fear of losing someone. A person might struggle with strangers yet be more assertive with their partner, for example. Every combination is possible across different relationships: intimate partners, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and strangers.

An assertive person recognises that their own rights and needs matter just as much as the other person’s.

Three ways of communicating

1. Passive communication means putting one’s rights, needs and wishes behind those of others. The person becomes a “doormat”, allowing others to walk over them or disregard them. One possible advantage is being seen as pleasant, easy-going and undemanding. Some people choose this approach because they believe it is the only way to be accepted. The drawback is that repeated interactions of this kind can create considerable stress (French-language page): the person feels subjected to the relationship and to others’ wishes. Passive communication can undermine self-esteem and confidence, reinforcing the mistaken belief that one is incapable of speaking up.

2. Aggressive communication means acting as though one’s own rights matter more than other people’s. The person takes a “hedgehog” approach: anyone who comes too close gets pricked. One advantage is that they do not simply submit to others’ decisions, and people often leave them alone. They may not be the first person asked to work extra hours. The drawbacks are that others may also overlook them for opportunities or enjoyable activities. In close relationships, anger can damage the bond. Afterwards, thoughts such as “I should not have said that” or “I lost my temper; I hope she is not upset with me” can affect self-esteem. Aggression does not develop the skills or confidence needed for assertive communication.

3. Assertive communication means taking responsibility for one’s needs without making someone else responsible for meeting them. People sometimes say assertiveness helps you get what you want from others. That is not its purpose: the aim is to express yourself clearly and respectfully. It can build confidence in relationships and help you feel satisfied with how you have communicated. In this sense, assertiveness work can support self-esteem, whereas habitual aggression or passivity often leaves us feeling worse about ourselves.

Assertiveness involves learning several communication skills

Giving positive feedback: a useful starting point for self-esteem

Receiving positive feedback

Giving negative feedback or expressing anger appropriately

Receiving negative feedback or another person’s anger

Making a request

Declining a request or saying no

Using an icebreaker

Making small talk and holding a conversation

Ending a conversation

Some examples of assertiveness

Giving positive feedback

For example: “That is a lovely dress.”

“I really enjoy working with you.”

Receiving positive feedback

For example: “That is a lovely dress.”

“Thank you!”

People who struggle with assertiveness may find compliments difficult to accept. They downplay or dismiss them, which can make the exchange less pleasant for the person offering the compliment.

Giving negative feedback or expressing anger through feedback or a request

Example of feedback: “I do not like being contradicted in front of clients, as just happened. I would like you not to do that again.”

Example of a request: “Sophie, this is the third time you have been late this week. I need you to arrive on time from tomorrow morning. Can I count on you to do that?”

Notice the distinction

Constructive criticism = a description of what happened + the feeling or consequence + a request for change.

In a request such as “I would like you to arrive on time in the morning”, there is no statement of emotion. It goes straight to the point and can sound cooler than feedback that includes how the situation affected you.

In situations like these, people who lack assertiveness often fall back on aggression or passivity.

When learning assertiveness, people sometimes think they must assert themselves all the time. That is not true: it is useful to ask whether speaking up is worthwhile in a particular situation. Nor is it always helpful to disclose every feeling. With someone who deliberately provokes distress or behaves manipulatively, keep your words and energy for what matters. A brief, neutral, formal response may be more appropriate than a long explanation containing personal feelings. This is what I call an “apathetic” response, in contrast to an empathic one: communicate what is needed without supplying extra emotional material. Be cautious about revealing personal vulnerabilities to someone acting in bad faith.

Declining a request or saying no

For example: “Thank you for inviting me. I would really like to join you, but I already have plans for this evening.”

Again, many people who struggle with assertiveness believe they must always say yes to be liked or accepted. That is not the case.

Using an icebreaker or making small talk

You can begin by talking about what is around you, here and now. The topic itself is not especially important: light conversation helps you find out whether the other person would like to talk. There is no need to overthink it. The immediate surroundings provide plenty of possibilities: the weather, the performance, the wine, the menu or the buffet, for example.

Ending a conversation

Imagine someone calling their psychologist while the psychologist is in another consultation:

Psychologist: “Mrs X, I cannot talk now. Please call me back on this day at this time.”

Patient: “But…” and continues talking.

Psychologist: “Please call me back on this day at this time, Mrs X. I am sorry, but I need to end this call.”

Patient: continues talking.

Psychologist: “Mrs X, I am saying goodbye now. I am going to hang up.”

Patient: continues talking.

Psychologist: “Mrs X, goodbye. I am ending the call.”

Patient: continues talking.

Psychologist: “Goodbye.” Then ends the call.

Difficulties with assertiveness can contribute to stress and psychological distress. Assertiveness is a social skill that can be learned and developed through assertiveness therapy (French-language page). Progress often involves gradually moving beyond one’s comfort zone: working in sessions on what one would like to say, then trying those new skills step by step in everyday life.

A presentation by Pedro Sanchau, an excellent communicator, although the video contains coarse language. The recording is in French.